6 Signs You Might Be Crazy

Perhaps the most important step in becoming sane and/or normal, is admitting that you might be crazy. Which is harder? A crazy person trying to convince everyone else that they’re not crazy, or that same crazy person trying to convince themselves that they are crazy, or a frozen duck? All three of these are hard in their own way. Trying to convince someone that you’re not crazy, is like telling people that the moon is made of cheese, even though they know it’s made of rock or whatever. But how do they know? They’ve never been there. All they can do is take someone else’s word for it. So does that make them crazy for believing something that they have no way to prove personally? Then they’re just as crazy as the crazy person, right? In a way, it seems so. How about trying to convince yourself that you actually are crazy? That’s hard, because you have to choose to forget everything that you knew to be a fact. That’s like trying to convince yourself that the moon really is made of cheese, even though you know it isn’t. And how about this frozen duck? Does this duck have a name? Yes, its name is Kenneth, but that’s not important. What is important is that the duck was once soft and very much alive. Our minds are like freezers, sometimes. Some ideas that we put in there become frozen, hardened inside of our thoughts, a completely normal thing that becomes rock solid. Some people are able to put a duck inside their mind and keep it alive, warm, and cuddly, while others tend to freeze the duck into a lifeless chunk of hardened imagination. Those that do the latter are the sane people. They take an idea and freeze it, adding nothing to what it already is. It sits in their mind, hard as rock, and nothing that anyone else can say will ever alter the molecular structure of the frozen duck. They know it as fact. Or just as an accepted fact, which is all they need to be content in their existence. Their soft existence, content to have freezers for minds, because they don’t want to have ideas running around inside of their heads. They’d much rather just freeze them and not change or explore them in any way. Not crazy people. No, they keep the duck alive. Which is why sane people look at crazy people sideways, when the crazy person says, “Yes, there is a live duck inside my mind. Its name is Kenneth, and it eats the mosquitoes in my skull.” And the sane people say, “What do you mean, it’s alive? All ducks come frozen…” But they don’t, you see. Before we turn the duck into a hardened piece of information, that duck is a alive and always moving. A breathing idea that has the capability of changing, shifting, and evolving into something much bigger. That duck could evolve into a dinosaur. A simple idea that everyone once shared, but the crazy person kept it alive, and so it evolved into what others might consider a monster. But the genesis is still the same. The idea is still a duck at heart. Its name’s still Kenneth. But now it’s something bigger. If the idea doesn’t evolve, then the duck can still lay eggs. An idea that gave birth to others. Which is why crazy people have a tree for a mind with lots of branches, while the sane people simply have a telephone pole. A straight idea that doesn’t branch off into different directions. Does all that make sense? Of course not, it’s crazy. See, I just made a point.

So now I’m writing something called 6 Signs You Might Be Crazy. This might be a healthy exercise or it could be a cry for help. Who knows. I wonder how many people would bother to step in and help a gorilla if it were on fire, and screaming, “Somebody please help me!” They’d probably just stand there and watch, fascinated. A gorilla on fire? That’s not something you see every day. In fact, you probably won’t even see that in your lifetime. They’d just stare at the gorilla and watch it burn. Or maybe they’d just say, “Holy crap, that gorilla just talked!” Where the hell am I going with this… Forget all that. It was Kenneth’s fault. The duck in my mind was dancing on the computer keys and typing gibberish. Kenneth is back inside my head now, and I promise I won’t let it back out. So on with the hub. 6 Signs You Might Be Crazy. Why only six signs, you might ask? Well, let me counter that question with one of my own. Shut up.

So here are six signs, some of which may or may not apply to me. If they did apply to me, then that’d make me crazy, right? But here they are. And maybe you can relate to some of these. And if you’ve made it this far without skimming and completely understood every single word that I’ve said, then there’s a very good chance that you really are crazy. Or maybe I just did a good job at explaining myself. The former is a greater possibility, though. Not even I understand everything I just said.

YOU JUST TALKED TO YOURSELF.

This is perhaps the first stage of becoming crazy. In fact, it’s so common, that it’s not even considered crazy. It’s actually considered normal in most instances. But why do you talk to yourself? There’s always the reason that there’s no one else around to carry on a conversation with, but you mostly do it because you're interested in what you have to say. Not that what you say is interesting, but you do like to think out loud. So talking to yourself is normal, but carrying on a conversation with yourself isn’t. For instance, you can ask yourself, “What do I want to eat tonight?” That’s normal, and it’s a question that you usually mull over in your head and in silence. It initiates thought. However, if you say, “What do I want to eat tonight? Pizza. What kind of pizza? I don’t know. Maybe pepperoni. How about a supreme? Why’d you even ask me if you weren’t going to listen to my suggestion? Gosh, someone’s in a bad mood. Don’t put this all on me. I don’t care what you put on the pizza. Get whatever you want. You don’t have to be all melodramatic. I’m being melodramatic? Get the bloody supreme, for crying out loud. I really don’t care. Fine. Fine. Fine. FINE! Whatever.” If you talk to yourself and it’s like that, then you’re way past just talking to yourself. That’s arguing with yourself and that’s crazy. So talking to yourself is sane, but arguing with yourself and/or threatening to hit yourself with a blunt object is crazy.

YOU'RE HEARING VOICES.

If you hear voices inside your head, that’s normal. All voices are picked up by our ears and transmitted through our eardrum and whatever. It’s a complicated process and I’d need a medical degree to explain it in detail. But if you hear voices and there’s no one around that you know of, then you might be crazy. There’s a few exceptions, though. Like if you’re on the phone. That’s obvious. But if the phone’s battery is dead and you’re still carrying on a conversation with someone on the other line, then yeah, you’re crazy. But most people know when they’re hearing voices. And they can actually accept the fact that these voices aren’t real and are only in their head. Which is why being blind really sucks. You hear voices all the time, but you have no idea if they’re real or not. For all blind people know, they are hearing voices. That probably drives blind people crazy, not knowing. But at least they don't see dead people, right?

YOU JUST HAD A CONVERSATION WITH AN ANIMAL.

Ok, so if the animal isn’t possessed by God or the Devil (both of which instances can be found in the Bible), then it shouldn’t be speaking at all. Parrots being an exception, but not even they can carry on a conversation. They’re just feathers glued to a voice recorder. But let’s face it, talking to animals isn’t normal. Dr. Doolittle could do it, but that’s not real life. I love the movie with Rex Harrison, too, but talking to animals is as impossible as sailing the seas inside of a giant snail, which is how that movie ended. However, we all talk to animals. We tell dogs to sit and whatever. What we don’t do, we sane people, is carry on conversations with them. That’s crazy. And going back to my first statement, in both of those instances in the Bible when an animal talked to someone, whoever they talked to didn’t stop and think, “What the bloody hell is going on?” No, they actually started a conversation. Like it was normal. And maybe it was back then. Don’t do it these days, is all I’m saying, or you’ll be considered crazy. If an animal talks to you, just pretend that you didn’t hear them. Which is like deciding to take a shower while your house is burning down. You can ignore it, but it’s still burning. But taking a shower in that instance is like choosing not to humor the craziness that you know is inside of you. Or just kill the animal, because it’s obviously possessed by the Devil. Or by God. In which case, you probably shouldn’t kill it. I’d tell you to ask first, just to make sure, but then that’d defeat the whole purpose of not talking to the animal.

YOU HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND.

I’m not talking about Facebook friends. I’m talking about seeing someone who isn’t there. Quite honestly, I don’t know too much about this subject, since I never had an imaginary friend of my own growing up. They ignored me just like the real people. Believe me, I asked these imaginary people if they’d be my friend, right after the real people turned me down, but not even they wanted to hang out. But if you’re seeing people who don’t exist in the real world, then yeah, you’re crazy. And I’m jealous.

YOU JUST BIT THE HEAD OFF A GOLDFISH.

Why? Because you're hungry and there’s no food in the house. Actually, "I just bit the head off a goldfish," is an example of saying something completely random that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. It’s an incoherent sentence of sorts. That’s one form of being crazy. You say things that don’t make any sense. Ever walk past some old guy on the street, and he says something about beady-eyed little man boys, or something about flamethrowers and cinnamon, or teenagers and their rock music? This is an advanced stage of crazy, when you lose the ability to make two sentences connect in an intelligent way. It could also be considered rambling, if what you’re saying has no noticeable connection to what you previously said. For instance, I might say, “Sure was hot today. Cats are bloody stupid.” So rambling is a form of crazy. But if you say, “I just bit the head off a goldfish,” and you’re actually telling the truth, then you’re still crazy. Unless that goldfish was trying to talk to you, then I completely understand. That goldfish had to be stopped.

YOU SAY YOU'RE NOT CRAZY.

This is perhaps the best sign that you’re actually crazy, because we all know that crazy people don’t think they’re crazy. So saying you’re not crazy is a dead giveaway. But this creates a paradox. If people who are crazy say they aren’t crazy, and people that aren’t crazy say they aren’t crazy, and people that aren’t crazy say they are crazy, then who the hell is telling the truth? If a crazy person finally accepts the fact that they’re crazy, does that immediately make them not crazy? Is that like a Catholic who stops being a Catholic, but people still consider them to be a Catholic, simply because Catholicism still exists? I don’t know. I think I’m driving myself crazy with all of this. The duck inside my head is about to explode. What I can gather from what I just said is the following. We can say we’re not crazy or we can say we are crazy, but the truth is, the diagnosis isn’t up to us. We’re judged by those around us. A jury of our peers. If they say we’re crazy, then we must be crazy. If you don’t want to be considered crazy and just plain normal, then you’d better study those around you and mimic their thoughts and movements. Freeze their ideas inside of your mind. Take it as accepted fact. Forget what you know and dedicate yourself to a global knowledge. Become normal. Just another cow that’s content to eat grass and wait for the slaughterhouse. Don’t even think about hopping the fence. Yes, it’s crazy, but that’s what we have to do in order not to be crazy. Understand? Yeah, me neither. But that’s how it all works.